Hotwheels

Here's a fun memory.  Years ago, I used to play with Hotwheel cars (and only hotwheels cars) I was very particular about my diecast cars, and brands like matchbox, and others from China simply weren't as good as the quality of hotwheels. Most Hotwheels had finer details, better looking wheels, and were made of a lot of metal instead of plastic. They just felt better in your hand and rolled better.

Anyway, I got a special Hotwheel one time with a Hotwheel card puzzle. The card puzzle had 9 square cards which you were suppose to make into a 3x3 square. On each side of the square there was either the front or rear of 1 of 4 cars drawn.  The object was to make a perfect 3x3 square in which all the cars were the right type, direction, front and rear end, in matching up from one card to the next.  I never could figure out the puzzle.

Regardless, with the puzzle came a really cool red LeMans type car.  It was rare wheels and a rear hood that would pop open and you could see the engine beneath. The chassis and the body were both metal and it was one of my favorite cars.

One day I accidently dropped and chipped the paint right on the nose of the LeMans car.  It was hideous and ruined the perfection of the car (I kept my cars in a cubby and none of them had scatches) I was so upset and mad at myself for ruining the car, I took a hammer and demolished the car because I had already robbed it of it's perfection. Afterwards I cried and was even more furious at myself for dropping the car and for then destroying it.

I sometimes go to my parent's house and when I'm bored look at my old toys in my closet and take a peek at my car collection.  I will look for the red LeMans car that I remmeber playing with so well, but then I recall destroying it.

I can see clearly now how my life is like that red LeMans car and how I haven't changed a bit since childhood.  I am left wondering what happened and how I could destroy something I used to love.

Ruined.

a quickie

I need to quit hating myself for everything that I'm not. There are plenty of bad habits, mindsets, and character flaws that I have more than enough opportunity to attempt to make right, rather than not even trying just because I can look over at this person, this accomplishment, or these dreams of mine and realize that they aren't going to happen. I wasn't given those gifts, I wasn't given those opportunities, I didn't take advantage of them if they were remotely present. Get over it. Whether I like it or not, God is leading my life, why do it kicking and screaming?  Why do it bitter and complaining the whole way? It's like I'm being dragged on a rope pulling as hard as I can the opposite way without realizing, I'm going to heaven! Seriously, Jesus saved me, He loves me, He rescued me from  myself, He died for me, I'm freaking going to heaven! What in the world is my deal with hating life so much?! Because all too often that's not enough? I want more? Because the blessings I do have don't matter compared to the ones I want to have? Ignorance, selfishness, idolatry, disobedience, denial, shame, regret, repeat. I cut myself off from basking in the joy of knowing God because I'm so self adsorbed with my own god. Grow up dude, get mature with it already.

The early bird gets the worm...

..does it matter if the late bird is so late that he ends up being the early bird the next day?

I find myself being late in life. I could put a spin on this and say that the more advanced an aniaml is, the longer is takes for it to reach maturity.  Which, would mean I am set to be the most advanced human mankind has ever lay witness too. I kid. myself. all the time.

Back to the point, I find myself being unable to mature. Unable to make good decisions. Unable to move forward. I'm not sure if this is a conscious effort to disboey God or if this is just a conscious effort to be as lazy and unproductive in life as I can without going insane.

Speaking of insane. I picture a tall cliff by the ocean, like dover, but not so chalky white, and I just want to stand at the edge of the cliff and just scream until I'm hoarse. Even now, I don't know why I think that would accomplish anything. Vocally releasing frustration, doesn't fix anything other than a fleeting feeling of satisfaction.
Regardless, I have a lot of bitterness and hatred built up within me. I find myself generally hating society and frustrated by how it affects me. I want to leave this world. I'm sick of it and feel overwhelemed by it. I type that and immediately realize I'm not trusting God's sovereignty. But that's not to say that you could trust Him and still want to leave. That's probably almost ideal actually, I'm just wanting to leave, because,

because I want to give up. I've never really fought for anything in life. It's either been given to me or I basically don't have to try to get it.  Life has been one long process of lowering my standards. If I was given a lot of talents, like I used to think I was, I have squandered them. I didn't utilitilize them, I didn't sharpen them, I didn't expand them. I wasted them. 26 years, how many more?

I've been saying "fuck" a lot recently. This is disturbing and dispicable. I am an angry, self righteous, hypocritical asshole. God help me. I want to quit, I want to quit, I want to quit.

Nothing is as it seems.

My mind and my body are set to betray me. They aren't even good cohesion with each other, but each is selfish, stubborn, lazy, prideful, fearful, and greedy. My soul yearns for God, my flesh yearns to be my own god. When my mind and body are in cahoots with each other, they are nearly impossible to overcome.

I don't think most people have to deal with such levels of self depreciation, self sabotaging, internal conflict. And maybe it's there in everyone (though maybe more so in Christians), but if I do have an above average awareness of my own internal conflict, I surely don't respond how I know I should. Perseverance and trust. I am a quitter, because I am lazy. I am a quitter, because I don't trust that God really knows what's best for me, or if he does then it's going to require more work than what I'm willing to put in.

Often, it's seemingly a stalemate. I don't seem to go forwards or backwards, I just sit and do nothing. Which is bad enough, but in reality, I think it's kind of like the sharks that have to keep swimming to push water over their gills. If they stop moving they die. A stalemate as far as good and evil are concerned is still death.  Good conquers, it doesn't compromise.

In these instances, I find myself flirting with legalism, that I need to be doing something to earn my way into heaven, which is impossible and explicitly taught against in the Bible. However, if I had the Spirit of God at the helm of my life then surely there would be "better" things occurring. "Better" being operative. It is always better to follow God, but doing is no guarantee  that your life will be better by the world's standards, which we are brainwashed to accept as truth. So, when I say "better" I mean the internal satisfaction of knowing I am pursuing God's will instead of my own, and blocking out the things that I think are best for me.

Other than spell check, I hardly ever go back and read my posts before posting, because they are incredibly bad at trying to capture what I am attempting to say. Maybe it's because I'm not fighting fair and daily or bi-weekly blogging would spurn improvement, but at the moment I have yet to see anything that this blog is accomplishing.

James 4: 1-10
Drawing Close to God

4 What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Don’t they come from the evil desires at war within you? 2 You want what you don’t have, so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous of what others have, but you can’t get it, so you fight and wage war to take it away from them. Yet you don’t have what you want because you don’t ask God for it. 3 And even when you ask, you don’t get it because your motives are all wrong—you want only what will give you pleasure.

4 You adulterers! Don’t you realize that friendship with the world makes you an enemy of God? I say it again: If you want to be a friend of the world, you make yourself an enemy of God. 5 What do you think the Scriptures mean when they say that the spirit God has placed within us is filled with envy? 6 But he gives us even more grace to stand against such evil desires. As the Scriptures say,

“God opposes the proud
  but favors the humble."

7 So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8 Come close to God, and God will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world. 9 Let there be tears for what you have done. Let there be sorrow and deep grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy. 10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up in honor.

april showers bring..

I have been living a shadow life for the past 2 years. I wanted to start this blog to document how different I think when in depression compared to how I felt when I wasn't. Problem is, words fail me and it takes too much effort to conjure them to produce something meaningful.

I am scared by my lack of love for God.

Lists.

So I don't make lists, but I feel like I have so much to talk about I should have made a list before I started typing. Ironically, this blog post is suppose to be a list that hopefully over the course of the first couple months I can look back and check things off.  That sounds a lot like new years resolution you might say, but I'm just trying to take it a few months at a time and not tackle a whole year.   Speaking of years, 2012 was a terrible, terrible year for me. Top 5 terrible. 2007, 2011, and 2012 all have special places in my heart. special places called scars. Actually every year since about 1996 has been a bad year, with the exception of 2009 and 2010. Regardless, I think it's dumb that just because it's a different set of numbers you write down with giving the date that so many people feel the urge to change.  Our need to reflect and move forward shouldn't be so case dependent.  I'm not even sure if I'm using case dependent correctly.  I want to google examples, but I'm just going to press forward. That's one thing that's been holding me back concerning blogging. I'm a perfectionist and I know darn well I can't write well.  I can look back on just these 7 posts and shudder.  I hate not being good at cool stuff, so it's so much easier to just not try and not worry about it.  That might not be a bad idea concerning whether or not I should blog or not, but this is a feeling I carry over into all aspects of life. Free write over.

Today my goal is to sleep on my bed on sheets.  I can't believe I'm actually writing that.  I can't believe it's actually true.  This is what a 2 year free fall does, it reduces you to nothing.  I can, in some ways, understand how homeless people end up homeless and stay on the street. The mind is fragile and is hard to put back together when it's broken. So, back to the goal. I was fired from a restaurant job back in late September. Were you a waiter? No no, I was merely a food runner, the bottom of the totem pole in fine dining and I couldn't cut it.  A year before I was fired as a valet and not for wrecking a car or anything.  I am prideful and have been not merely swallowing my pride, but being force fed it like the ducks that end up as foie gras at nice restaurants.  The job I've still held on to since July is just as bad.  I work at an electric scooter and bike shop.  It would be cool, but everything is cheap and made in China.  It's hard to take pride in a job that sell products that you wouldn't use yourself. Pride and standards are different. Speaking of standards, I'm off track. Back to getting fired, I somehow lost motivation that I didn't even know I had and stopped caring about my living conditions. After trying to clean my room and washing the sheets, I ended up with bed covered in junk that needed to be organized or thrown away. Instead of dealing with it, I decided I simply didn't feel like working anymore, pushed half the stuff over to one side and slept taco style in the comforter.  I decided to not work on my room the day after, or the day after, or after after. I didn't even put a pillow case on the pillow (gross!).  I grew up with a clean room, toys that were put away, dirty clothes that were brought up every morning to the laundry room, there were daily chores, [I took out the trash, did the kitty litter, picked up pinecones and sticks in the yard (I hate pine trees to this day!), mowed, vacuumed the stairs, the hallway and my room, and whatever other oddball stuff needed to be done.  I grew up doing chores and living within a high standard of structure and expectation.  There has been hurricane category 5 level erosion since then.  I hate to work, bottom line.  I want to find pleasure in the satisfaction of having completed something, regardless of whether or not I enjoyed doing it at the time. Unless it's something I really cared about in the first place, I don't have any sort of satisfaction just for the sake of getting something done. I'm rambling and my sentence a few back with a pair of parentheses inside another is enough to make me want to scream in frustration.  What's worse is I don't have some lame excuse that I can't write because I'm good at math, cause I'm not.  My dad and my sister are both engineers and it took me 3 times to pass Calculus. So I can't do math, I can't write, and I can't study, no wonder I've had such disastrous experiences.  and I say that looking at my attitude as being the contingent for most of my outcomes.  Right, so once again I'm distracted, a list would have been nice to have kept me on tract, oh that's right, I'm too lazy to do lists. Lists are for girls. Lists are for people that don't have their act together. Lists are for people that are weak minded enough that they can alter their mood simply by checking off something on their list.  sigh. For 2013 I need to befriend lists. and clean my room, but today I would simply like to sleep on my bed, the whole bed, under the sheets. with my cat. I'm not going back to fix all the errors in this blog it would be too unproductive compared with what I need to accomplish. Enjoy the pictures, they are my shame.

Haven't sat here since Spring of 2011

I once sprained my ankle incredibly bad by trying to jump from my desk to the  door where this picture was taken when I landed on the edge of a shoebox with flipped and put all my body weight plus momentum from the jump on my ankle. Felt good, felt real good; for months. 

I don't even like soft tacos. I never have, yet I've been sleeping in one for  almost 4 months. 

playing the keyboard sideways is more challenging. I'm that good. 

Man, I'm glad I haven't shared this blog with anyone. 

   

It's a new year and I want to start blogging again, how cliche.  And yes I realize that saying blogging again implies that I blogged in the first place, when in reality, up to this point, 7 posts over the course of a year and half is hardly what a legit blogger would refer to as blogging.  Well, too bad, even us wannabe bloggers can still write what we want.