My mind and my body are set to betray me. They aren't even good cohesion with each other, but each is selfish, stubborn, lazy, prideful, fearful, and greedy. My soul yearns for God, my flesh yearns to be my own god. When my mind and body are in cahoots with each other, they are nearly impossible to overcome.
I don't think most people have to deal with such levels of self depreciation, self sabotaging, internal conflict. And maybe it's there in everyone (though maybe more so in Christians), but if I do have an above average awareness of my own internal conflict, I surely don't respond how I know I should. Perseverance and trust. I am a quitter, because I am lazy. I am a quitter, because I don't trust that God really knows what's best for me, or if he does then it's going to require more work than what I'm willing to put in.
Often, it's seemingly a stalemate. I don't seem to go forwards or backwards, I just sit and do nothing. Which is bad enough, but in reality, I think it's kind of like the sharks that have to keep swimming to push water over their gills. If they stop moving they die. A stalemate as far as good and evil are concerned is still death. Good conquers, it doesn't compromise.
In these instances, I find myself flirting with legalism, that I need to be doing something to earn my way into heaven, which is impossible and explicitly taught against in the Bible. However, if I had the Spirit of God at the helm of my life then surely there would be "better" things occurring. "Better" being operative. It is always better to follow God, but doing is no guarantee that your life will be better by the world's standards, which we are brainwashed to accept as truth. So, when I say "better" I mean the internal satisfaction of knowing I am pursuing God's will instead of my own, and blocking out the things that I think are best for me.
Other than spell check, I hardly ever go back and read my posts before posting, because they are incredibly bad at trying to capture what I am attempting to say. Maybe it's because I'm not fighting fair and daily or bi-weekly blogging would spurn improvement, but at the moment I have yet to see anything that this blog is accomplishing.
James 4: 1-10
Drawing Close to God
4 What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Don’t they come from the evil desires at war within you? 2 You want what you don’t have, so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous of what others have, but you can’t get it, so you fight and wage war to take it away from them. Yet you don’t have what you want because you don’t ask God for it. 3 And even when you ask, you don’t get it because your motives are all wrong—you want only what will give you pleasure.
4 You adulterers! Don’t you realize that friendship with the world makes you an enemy of God? I say it again: If you want to be a friend of the world, you make yourself an enemy of God. 5 What do you think the Scriptures mean when they say that the spirit God has placed within us is filled with envy? 6 But he gives us even more grace to stand against such evil desires. As the Scriptures say,
“God opposes the proud
but favors the humble."
7 So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8 Come close to God, and God will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world. 9 Let there be tears for what you have done. Let there be sorrow and deep grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy. 10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up in honor.
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