a quickie

I need to quit hating myself for everything that I'm not. There are plenty of bad habits, mindsets, and character flaws that I have more than enough opportunity to attempt to make right, rather than not even trying just because I can look over at this person, this accomplishment, or these dreams of mine and realize that they aren't going to happen. I wasn't given those gifts, I wasn't given those opportunities, I didn't take advantage of them if they were remotely present. Get over it. Whether I like it or not, God is leading my life, why do it kicking and screaming?  Why do it bitter and complaining the whole way? It's like I'm being dragged on a rope pulling as hard as I can the opposite way without realizing, I'm going to heaven! Seriously, Jesus saved me, He loves me, He rescued me from  myself, He died for me, I'm freaking going to heaven! What in the world is my deal with hating life so much?! Because all too often that's not enough? I want more? Because the blessings I do have don't matter compared to the ones I want to have? Ignorance, selfishness, idolatry, disobedience, denial, shame, regret, repeat. I cut myself off from basking in the joy of knowing God because I'm so self adsorbed with my own god. Grow up dude, get mature with it already.

The early bird gets the worm...

..does it matter if the late bird is so late that he ends up being the early bird the next day?

I find myself being late in life. I could put a spin on this and say that the more advanced an aniaml is, the longer is takes for it to reach maturity.  Which, would mean I am set to be the most advanced human mankind has ever lay witness too. I kid. myself. all the time.

Back to the point, I find myself being unable to mature. Unable to make good decisions. Unable to move forward. I'm not sure if this is a conscious effort to disboey God or if this is just a conscious effort to be as lazy and unproductive in life as I can without going insane.

Speaking of insane. I picture a tall cliff by the ocean, like dover, but not so chalky white, and I just want to stand at the edge of the cliff and just scream until I'm hoarse. Even now, I don't know why I think that would accomplish anything. Vocally releasing frustration, doesn't fix anything other than a fleeting feeling of satisfaction.
Regardless, I have a lot of bitterness and hatred built up within me. I find myself generally hating society and frustrated by how it affects me. I want to leave this world. I'm sick of it and feel overwhelemed by it. I type that and immediately realize I'm not trusting God's sovereignty. But that's not to say that you could trust Him and still want to leave. That's probably almost ideal actually, I'm just wanting to leave, because,

because I want to give up. I've never really fought for anything in life. It's either been given to me or I basically don't have to try to get it.  Life has been one long process of lowering my standards. If I was given a lot of talents, like I used to think I was, I have squandered them. I didn't utilitilize them, I didn't sharpen them, I didn't expand them. I wasted them. 26 years, how many more?

I've been saying "fuck" a lot recently. This is disturbing and dispicable. I am an angry, self righteous, hypocritical asshole. God help me. I want to quit, I want to quit, I want to quit.