So I don't make lists, but I feel like I have so much to talk about I should have made a list before I started typing. Ironically, this blog post is suppose to be a list that hopefully over the course of the first couple months I can look back and check things off. That sounds a lot like new years resolution you might say, but I'm just trying to take it a few months at a time and not tackle a whole year. Speaking of years, 2012 was a terrible, terrible year for me. Top 5 terrible. 2007, 2011, and 2012 all have special places in my heart. special places called scars. Actually every year since about 1996 has been a bad year, with the exception of 2009 and 2010. Regardless, I think it's dumb that just because it's a different set of numbers you write down with giving the date that so many people feel the urge to change. Our need to reflect and move forward shouldn't be so case dependent. I'm not even sure if I'm using case dependent correctly. I want to google examples, but I'm just going to press forward. That's one thing that's been holding me back concerning blogging. I'm a perfectionist and I know darn well I can't write well. I can look back on just these 7 posts and shudder. I hate not being good at cool stuff, so it's so much easier to just not try and not worry about it. That might not be a bad idea concerning whether or not I should blog or not, but this is a feeling I carry over into all aspects of life. Free write over.
Today my goal is to sleep on my bed on sheets. I can't believe I'm actually writing that. I can't believe it's actually true. This is what a 2 year free fall does, it reduces you to nothing. I can, in some ways, understand how homeless people end up homeless and stay on the street. The mind is fragile and is hard to put back together when it's broken. So, back to the goal. I was fired from a restaurant job back in late September. Were you a waiter? No no, I was merely a food runner, the bottom of the totem pole in fine dining and I couldn't cut it. A year before I was fired as a valet and not for wrecking a car or anything. I am prideful and have been not merely swallowing my pride, but being force fed it like the ducks that end up as foie gras at nice restaurants. The job I've still held on to since July is just as bad. I work at an electric scooter and bike shop. It would be cool, but everything is cheap and made in China. It's hard to take pride in a job that sell products that you wouldn't use yourself. Pride and standards are different. Speaking of standards, I'm off track. Back to getting fired, I somehow lost motivation that I didn't even know I had and stopped caring about my living conditions. After trying to clean my room and washing the sheets, I ended up with bed covered in junk that needed to be organized or thrown away. Instead of dealing with it, I decided I simply didn't feel like working anymore, pushed half the stuff over to one side and slept taco style in the comforter. I decided to not work on my room the day after, or the day after, or after after. I didn't even put a pillow case on the pillow (gross!). I grew up with a clean room, toys that were put away, dirty clothes that were brought up every morning to the laundry room, there were daily chores, [I took out the trash, did the kitty litter, picked up pinecones and sticks in the yard (I hate pine trees to this day!), mowed, vacuumed the stairs, the hallway and my room, and whatever other oddball stuff needed to be done. I grew up doing chores and living within a high standard of structure and expectation. There has been hurricane category 5 level erosion since then. I hate to work, bottom line. I want to find pleasure in the satisfaction of having completed something, regardless of whether or not I enjoyed doing it at the time. Unless it's something I really cared about in the first place, I don't have any sort of satisfaction just for the sake of getting something done. I'm rambling and my sentence a few back with a pair of parentheses inside another is enough to make me want to scream in frustration. What's worse is I don't have some lame excuse that I can't write because I'm good at math, cause I'm not. My dad and my sister are both engineers and it took me 3 times to pass Calculus. So I can't do math, I can't write, and I can't study, no wonder I've had such disastrous experiences. and I say that looking at my attitude as being the contingent for most of my outcomes. Right, so once again I'm distracted, a list would have been nice to have kept me on tract, oh that's right, I'm too lazy to do lists. Lists are for girls. Lists are for people that don't have their act together. Lists are for people that are weak minded enough that they can alter their mood simply by checking off something on their list. sigh. For 2013 I need to befriend lists. and clean my room, but today I would simply like to sleep on my bed, the whole bed, under the sheets. with my cat. I'm not going back to fix all the errors in this blog it would be too unproductive compared with what I need to accomplish. Enjoy the pictures, they are my shame.
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| Haven't sat here since Spring of 2011 |
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| I once sprained my ankle incredibly bad by trying to jump from my desk to the door where this picture was taken when I landed on the edge of a shoebox with flipped and put all my body weight plus momentum from the jump on my ankle. Felt good, felt real good; for months. |
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| I don't even like soft tacos. I never have, yet I've been sleeping in one for almost 4 months. |
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| playing the keyboard sideways is more challenging. I'm that good. |
Man, I'm glad I haven't shared this blog with anyone.
