The world groans under it's own weight.

Self talk:
Wash your face, brush your teeth, go to bed, try again tomorrow.

I cannot take it much longer. I'm almost certain God is going to strike me down if I don't start doing what I'm suppose to be doing. and yet I resist a little bit more.

If I spent my last year of life in disobedience of what I feel is God's will for me, it certainly makes me ponder the assurance of salvation I have. How can I be saved and still love myself (even if that's through self-destructive hate) more than I love God?

I hate my laziness, but I'm too lazy to change.
I somehow have endured blow after blow, yet I still won't yeild; when am I going to break?
Would God, in a sense of mercy ever send down a death blow?

I'm going snow skiing next week, I'm scared the trees will be calling my name.

Will I ever gain control of myself?

it's the daily struggles that get the best of me
it's the daily struggles that eat away my productivity
it's the daily struggles that will be my undoing
because it's the days, weeks, and years of daily struggles that add up to the catastrophic failures in life.

Goals

So here, on leap year day, I think it's a good time to lay out some goals for this year, some attainable, some maybe not so much. Some long term, some hopefully accomplished in the next few weeks.

1) Get another motorcycle. The last one I had was totaled in a wreck and my life has been downhill since then, not really because of a lack of motorcycle though. Probably not a sport bike this time, but rather an EFI classic lightweight motorcycle like a Royal Enfield that gets 80mpg while still being able to move on the highway.

2) Go skiing in Utah, I have a friend that works over there. Room, most of the food, lift tickets, maybe a helmet, are provided for. All I have to do is fly out there. I cannot let this opportunity pass me by for a second and maybe final year.

3) Peru. Later this year an extra apartment room will be available and I would be able to stay with some missionary friends that used to be the assistant pastor and his wife at my church where I grew up. This would be a great opportunity for me to get out of the country and a city where I've lived in the same room for the past 6 years to gain a new perspective on people and life.  I have been meaning to do this for over a year now.

4) Get in shape. a) The warm weather has already allowed me to start riding my road bike a lot sooner than normal, but this will also help me strengthen my legs so they won't be so sore skiing out west. I can go and crank out 20-30 miles at a reasonable pace, but 60+ mile rides are the goal before the end of May. Doing a Century ride in September is not a goal right now, but could be. b) I need to work on my core and upper body strength.  I have two different friends that work out at two different gyms, and having either one of them as a work out partner to help motivate me would be a huge asset. I can do crunches, perfect push-ups, and pull ups at home and should start doing so.

5) Sell the specific pile of stuff I've been meaning to sell for the past year on eBay and Craigslist. There's no reason other than sheer laziness and being inept, that I haven't gotten around to it. Would be an easy extra grand (and a half?) that I could use while also taking care of quite a bit of clutter.

6) Write on this blog more.  This is a kind of a pointless entry other than the fact that a couple months from now, hopefully it will be cool to look back and see what I've accomplished so far.  I meant to consistently do this blog since summer of last year, but was in such a deep hole of depressiong, I literally could not force myself to take the time to do it.  Just as well, as the stuff I would have written would have been very pessimistic, self-hating, and full of regret.  There's signs that I'm crawling out of this pit again, so the best I can do is document the climb instead of the fall.

7) Braces come off around June, so it would be great to whiten my teeth and finally feel comfortable smiling after 2 1/2 years. I have to let go of my anger and frustration that has resulted in me only needing braces for a year at most and the stress that the jaw surgery being continually pushed back caused me. That's in the past, the result was good, move forward. move forward, move forward.

I could make the argument that if I was on top of things these would have been my new years resolutions, but I wasn't ready for that then. I think I am now. 

Fear

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.
1 John 4:18

Fear has had it's grip on me for far to long, when ultimately there is nothing I should be afraid of. If the Almighty and Just God has already taken the punishment I deserved and absorbed it through Himself in Jesus, than can anyone give me any good reason why I should fear anything?
Why fear the opinions of your peers?
Why fear the concept of a corrupt government?
Why fear the concept of a corrupt world?
Why fear the thought of a global, materialistic driven, oppressive society?
Why fear the thought of being alone?
Why fear the thought of not being able to provide for the ones you love?
If I truly have forever to spend with God, is there really anything that I should be afraid of in the few days, years or decades of this life I have left?
I'm not afraid to die, but I've always been afraid to live.
Who am I really living for anyway? Myself? Those that I care about?
No, look through the facade, it's always God or Satan.
Simplicity at it's finest.

Even at my worst

So, I was in church and the thought occured to me that if, indeed, Jesus really is not only the Son of God- which I feel is a way we as humans seem to take away his status- but at the same time God Himself on earth, then I pictured him thinking of me while on the cross, dying for my sins, and thinking "worth it" I proceeded to ignore my inner wantings and my visiting mother's nudging to be baptized because of insecurities, current guilts, and embarassement in front of my peers, also known as my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. I then failed to even try at anything I planned on accompllishing today. Nope, went home, had a miserable lunch, said bye the parents, took a short nap, and woke up in time to be early for my good friend's superbowl party. However I decided to tear myself apart, lay in bed another hour, and make an excuse that my alarm didn't go off after my friend asked where I was.  I proceeded to get ready for the party and had my shoes tied and jacket on the bed, when I succumbed to a full fledge self hate session.  My pride had already ruined church, my self pity had ruined my afternoon, my laziness had ruined my superbowl plans, why try to make it positive and show up now? Despite 2 lengthy texts asking me to join them I sat in my room and did nothing. nothing. nothing. Didn't watch the game, didn't watch the stupid commercials, just sat and hated just about everything there is to hate about myself, for about 6 hours... Games over, who cares, I'm still in hate mode.  So here I am laying in bed, writing the second post of a blog that I had dreams about 7 months ago, because I swear among the begging for me the stop, the Holy Spirit whispered "still worth it" into my thoughts.

 I am so broken.