and so it begins...
ahhahaha, I actually thought about having that as the only words of my first post; 'that's not really that funny and why would you do that?' you ask. Because, dear reader that doesn't exist yet, it's 2:57am, I'm somewhat tired, and when it comes to introductions you have to start thinking about yourself, where you are now, where you've come from, take that, and wrap it up in some cute little package. For me that requires a lot of thought, and even more prioritizing of thoughts and then consolidating, and there's a risk I'd get stuck in a vortex of memories from the past. I haven't decided on how personal I'm going to make this blog, but it was really important to just start one, so atleast I'd have a commitment to fullfill. I wish I had done this sooner, 10 years ago would have been good, last summer would have been really good, and even yesterday would have been better than today, however starting today is still better than starting tomorrow. It's now 3:03, have I spent enough time for a very vague introduction? This isn't an introduction actually, just the beginning, before you even get to an introduction. Kind of like breaking the ice and making that first impression, before even telling the person about yourself, while still telling the person a little bit about yourself. Funny how people behave. So yes, this is my behavior at the moment, and these are my thoughts, but only some of my thoghts. I'm slightly worried about that in fact, as speech can't keep up with my thoughts, so typing most certainly won't, but you the reader are still getting a chance to witness thought process, logic, understanding, creativeness, feelings, emotions, impacts, etc. that are taking place in my head. Kind of intimate in a way, but there's a good chance that in our busy and disconnected world, people will gain nothing from reading this. Which begs the question, why am I doing this? Why does anyone blog? 10 reasons for both have come and gone. I look forward to a machine that will read thoughts and put it on 'paper' It should happen soon enough right? In this instance, my hands are the manual transmission of transmitting my throughts onto 'paper' so eventually a faster automatic transmission will come along so I can use my limited abilities for other activities, right? Meh, that didn't come out like I wanted it to, but it would take a lot of tweaking to turn that into a clever comment, so I'll leave it as it is. pretty rough around the edges. I'm doing this, because I often wish I had kept a journal since childhood. I remember picking the lock, and reading my sister's old diary (from when she was in like elementary/middle school) when I was in middle school and it was neat to see someone I loved just talk about their day, a few things that happened, some reflections, and some plans. Plus over course of the diary, there was overall growth in the writer. However, for some stupid reason I thought I was too old to start a lifetime journal because some of my young years were already in my past, the journal would be devoid of the ridiculous thoughts of like a 3rd grader talking about a favorite color at one moment, why I liked my cat, and what girl I liked that week, all in broken sentences, with letters that didn't stay in the lines, and no sort of bridges between thoughts. The randomness of being all over the place would be amazing, no one would get it, except for me because it was written by me, and even though I'd be older reading it, all mature communication is is a smooth tranmission between thoughts and ideas so others will understand you. However I think I'd still get "me" from back then, I still have random thoughts, that are actually connected, but the jumps are so far that it's easy to say their random. Nothings random, randomness is just a limitation that people place on actual possibilities. So, going back, I never wrote a journal because I felt it would be missing the foundations of my childhood. I didn't blog 10 years ago, because I didn't think I would be good at it, because I hadn't had the experience I felt that I needed, that I would have had, had I been journaling when I had wished I had started. Just as well, back then I was incredibly negative, and trying to write everything that I was feeling out at the time, might have actually been worse for me. Last summer would have been a great time to start blogging because some great changes happened in my life and things appeared to have started to change for the better. A year later I'm in a ditch again, yet this time, I want to capture this ditch experience, so that hopefully it will become a documented climb back out. Plus having an audience will hopefully help keep me accountable to maintaining and updating the blog. Problem is I haven't told anyone about it, and it might be some time before I do. Which is ridiculous, because the longer I wait to tell people about it, the more likely I am to not continue blogging, as I will have dissappointed only myself. So lets hope I'll tell people about this sooner than later, because later definitiely means never. And really in some ways I'd rather people not read this, however I'm so unmotivated right now, that I need to trick myself into reaching out for some people to read this so I'll stay on top of it and actually benefit from them reading it than they will. As in, I dissappoint myself everyday, all the time, I know this and realize that if I reach out and "get help" from other people I'll not want to dissapoint them as well as myself. It's funny how often my brain knows, what my problems are, thinks of a possible solution, and then I still don't do it. Once again, let hope this isn't the case. So there, that's why I'm doing this, but actuallly that's about 2 of the 10 reasons I first thought of when asking why I'm doing this... 2 of the 10 reasons I could list within 30 seconds, to this degree of detail, and yet it has taken my 30 minutes to explain probably 10 seconds of thought. I seriously cannot wait until that mind reading machine comes out. This is also a perfect example of why people have trouble relating to me, everything is logically played out in my mind, yet in communication with others, bridges have to made to where only the more significant thoughts are transfered. I feel like I might be different than most people, in that I'm aware of a lot of my thoughts, and why they are what they are, but maybe everyone is and no one can explain themselves to other people. Either I have A LOT more thoughts than most people do, or I have a problem grouping, consolidating, and prioritizing my thoughts. I'd prefer it so be the first cause it would mean I'm some kind of smart cookie, yet if I'm so smart why haven't I accomplished anything in life? I'd like it if the second was the case, cause then I could blame a lot of my problems on what could certainly be described as a learning disorder. It's probably a mix a both and I will resist even contemplating that one for now, or I'll be up for a long long time.
So here is is, I should have just stopped this first post after 4 words, but I'd probably be the only one to appreciate how funny it really is. I knew my post was going to be long, ridiculous, and accomplish very little. And so it begins... what a hilarious understatement, a cop out of proscratination, yet still a baby step of an effort of something I've wanted to do for over 10 years. There was so much behind those four words, but no one would get it, so instead we're left with me trying to explain myself in a first post that's seemingly all over the place. Sigh, the only thing that keeps me going sometimes is knowing that there is an omnipotent God that truly loves me and knows me better than I do. I seriously find great great comfort in that, because I can't even begin to describe to you how I feel about myself most of the time. Oh ditch, with slippery slopes, and dirty water with gross insect larva swimming around, with a layer of oily film on top, you've got me again, but atleast I'm looking up... and so it begins.
